How to Tell if You're a Douchebag

When the history of pop culture during the first ten years of the 21st century is written, it will go down as the Douchebag Decade.

Indeed, the biggest threat to this country arguably does not lie in the financial crisis or with Islamic fundamentalism, but with the plague of self important high maintenance low brainpower poseurs who have propagated with more virulence than Swine Flu. No insult to that disease intended by the way, so PETA get off my back you douchebags!

So here is how to tell if you have been swept up in the Weenie Wave:

Do you sport sweptback hair and a goatee? If so, you are a douchebag.

Do you regularly mangle simple phrases and turn nouns or adjectives into verbs? Are you always indignantly declaring, "I could care less" when you actually mean "I COULDN'T care less"? Are such inanities as "that is very concerning" and "I am efforting that" a regular part of your verbal repetoire? Guess what, call a feminine hygiene product manufacturer, you are a douchebag!

Do you twitter as if the world should regard your mindless, narcissistic blurting as worthy of the same kind of contemplation as Immanuel Kant and Aristotle? Would you like to make that douchebag paper or plastic?

Do you admire anyone named Tucker, be it Tucker Bounds, Tucker Carlson or, hell, I'll even throw in former NY Giants running back Tucker Frederickson? Is your own first name Tucker? Then you are a card carrying member of Douchebags of America.

Do you wear suit blazers over tee shirts and go to formal events wearing tennis shoes with your tux? You're a douchebag!

Do you wear those tee shirts that look like the front of a tuxedo? Douchebag!

Are you a televangelist or pastor for a megachurch? Yep, I will crucify you for being a douchebag!

Do you have a non-military tattoo? As Carlos Mencia once observed, "what's your tribe, Chad?" You've been stained with the mark of the douchebag!

Are you a suburban white guy who acts black? I dub you an "Afro-Douche"!

Are you Terrell Owens, Starr Jones, Charlie Gibson, Flavor Flav, Alex Rodriguez, Kathy Lee Gifford, Cory Feldman, Charlie Sheen, Judge Judy, Matt Lauer, Al Roker, Don King, Dick Vitale, Bud Selig, David Stern, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, a Fox News employee, Katie Couric, Luke Russert, David Gregory, anyone who dated, fucked or married Britney Spears, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Whoopie Goldberg, Jessica Simpson, Bruce Willis, Jon King, Leslie "Wolf" Blitzer, George Will, Mike Tirico, George Stroumboulopoulos, Ed McMahon, Stuttering John, Rick Sutcliffe, Chad Johnson, Steve Phillips, Vince McMahon, Vince Neil, Rich Lowry, Tommy Lee, Axl Rose, Joe Scarborough, Earl Ofari Hutchinson, Larry King or a local news anchor? Well, when you read the teleprompter, it will have you mouthing the words, "I'm a douchebag!"

Are you a fan of Dane Cook? You're a douchebag and neither that nor Cook are funny.

Do you get really emotionally caught up in reality shows? Watch yourself because you are a douchebag!

Do you actually spend money texting in votes to American Idol? You are a tin eared douchebag!

Ever audtioned for American Idol? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T for you douchebag!

Have you ever bought anything you saw in an infomercial or, even worse, have you starred in an infomercial? Uber douchebag!

Do you robotically repeat intellectualy dishonest Republican talking points you heard on Rush Limbaugh's show? When somebody says, "welcome to Club Douchebag," you reply, "mega dittos!"

Are you a male and have had plastic surgery? Come on, turn in your man license and exchange it for a douchebag!

Are you David Duke, Lindsay Graham, David Dreier, Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, John McCain, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor, Dick Cheney, a Bush, Robert Byrd, Ben Nelson, Sarah Palin, Marilyn Musgrave, Jessie Jackson, Texas Governor Rick Perry, Richard Shelby, Howard Berman, Tony Villaraigosa, Mark Ridley-Thomas, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Orrin Hatch, Alberto Gonzalez, Douglas Feith, Dana Perino, Ari "The Butcher" Fleischer, Stan Cornyn, Tom DeLay, Peggy Noonan, Pat Buchanan, George Stephanopoulos, Elaine Chow, Phil Gramm, Trent Lott or Barney Frank? By unanimous consent, the chair recognizes you all as douchebags!

Do you mosh and/or stage dive at club shows and concerts? I hope you get pounded for being a douchebag!

Ever been a guest on a trash tv talk show? Today's topic, "You're a Douchebag!"

Did you get religion in prison? The judge said 5-10, but I say double that again because you're a douchebag!

Are you French? Mon dieu, you're a douchebag!

Are you a gay hairdresser? Straight eye for the douchebag guy.

Do you feel empty inside when you miss an episode of a celebrity gossip show? If douchebags were celebrities, papparazi would be amassing in your front yard!

Are all the books in your home recommendations from Oprah? The book on you, then, is that you're a douchebag!

Do you wear black sox with shorts? Or wear them while having sex? You're a gross douchebag!

Do you wear dockers and/or polo shirts? The little label on the pocket reads, "douchebag!"

Are you a fat ass who wears speedos? You know that doesn't hide your douchebag!

Do you think that drinking Captain Morgan and/or eating Mentos makes you cool and subversive? Hey barkeep! Douchebag on the rocks here!

Do you own Barry Mainlow records? Listen, you're a douchebag!

Do you say, "whatever!" frequently? Well, then pretend to not care when I say you're a douchebag!

Have you put your child in a beauty contest or been a contestant yourself? You've just been named Miss Douchebag!

Are you a fashion designer? You're neither funky or chic, but a douchebag!

Are you a rock critic? You don't want to hear this (hell, you probably can't), but you're a douchebag!

Have you ever given your kids douchebag names like Rumer or Scout or Ambrose? I name you douchebag!

Are you a rock star who allows his/her songs to be used in tv commercials? At least you get some bucks for being a douchebag!

Are you a rapper or an alternative music "artist"? Well, you're also a douchebag!

Are you Morrissey or one of his fans? Whine, mope and cry because you're a douchebag!

Are you Emo? Well, kill yourself because everyone thinks you're a douchebag!

Do you make lists enumerating who is a douchebag? If so, well, if I need to finish this sentence for you at this point you are not just a douchebag, but you're also a colossal dumbass.